Scars
by seeleyboothfan
Summary: A reaction story to 5x03 The Quarterback. Blaine could tell that Kurt was pushing him away and he knew that Kurt grieved differently from everyone else. He knew that Kurt needed space, that he didn't like showing weakness. Finn left behind too many scars - would they ever heal?


**This is my headcanon for why Kurt and Blaine never touched or talked or comforted until Rachel was singing. It bothered me that Blaine never truly seemed to grieve and that Kurt was so closed off from Blaine. This is how I explained it.**

**I apologize for grammatical or spelling errors - I needed to get this out of me as quickly as I could, so I too could move on**

* * *

The funeral itself, and the weeks after it went by in a blur for Blaine. One second he was learning Finn was dead and the second, everyone was coming back a second time for a memorial for him. As an unspoken agreement, Blaine stayed over at the Hudmel house every night that Kurt was there – trying to be the rock that Kurt never would admit he needed.

They didn't talk at all, Kurt and Blaine, other than "pass the milk" or other trivial things. Every night, they went to bed together but they couldn't be farther apart. The first night, after Kurt had slid under the cover and lay on his back staring at the ceiling silently, Blaine reached over and hand to grip Kurt's. At the first sign of contact, Kurt flinched and turned his back on Blaine. Blaine knows Kurt well enough to know when he needs his space.

The first day that they go to the choir room together, Kurt enters ahead of Blaine and makes his way into the second row, into a chair next to Unique, and places his foot up on the chair next to him. Blaine wonders why Kurt feels the next to save him a spot, but when he stands there, waiting for Kurt to remove his foot, and he doesn't, Blaine understands. He's saving a spot for Finn, for his memory. Kurt won't even look at him. Blaine sighs and moves to sit in the front row on the landing next to Sam, Kurt finally moving his foot and placing it instead on the chair in front of him. Blaine is unable to do more than stare at Mercedes as she sings.

After Mercedes is done, Kurt leaves the choir room without even looking back at Blaine. He thinks about following, but he knows that Kurt would have waited for him if he'd wanted Blaine to go with. He finds out from Sam that Kurt had purchased and planted a tree for Finn, something Blaine would have been more than happy to help with, but also something Kurt had never told him about. It hurts him to know that Kurt is shutting him out.

Blaine goes to the Hudmel house, mildly surprised that Kurt isn't there yet. Carole is sitting zombie-like in the kitchen, staring at a few boxes that sit in the corner marked "Keep" "Give Away" and "Donate". Burt pulls Blaine aside and explains that they'll be boxing up Finn's things tonight, and that Kurt requested it just be the three of them, hoping Blaine would understand. Tears prick Blaine's vision but he nods and goes to an empty home, curling up in bed and crying himself to sleep.

He pulls on his favorite pair of Kurt's suspenders, the ones he'd left at Blaine's house after they'd spent the day together post proposal. He hopes it can bring a smile to Kurt's face, but he notices that Kurt doesn't come to school for midafternoon song session. He notices that Mercedes, Puck, and Kurt are all gone. He knew from talking to Mercedes that she needed a day to recover after singing, that she'd be back the next day to participate. He has no idea where Kurt or Puck could be. He doesn't talk to anyone and he half listens as Sam and Artie sing their song.

After school ends, and Blaine makes their way back to the choir room, Puck and Kurt are already there, as are most of the glee club. Kurt has sat himself between Ryder and Tina, the chair in front of him left empty for Finn. Blaine goes to the only available seat left, one in the back between Jake and Puck.

When Santana loses it midsong and takes off running, Mike and Mr. Schue try to comfort her but she gives the most heartbreaking scream and runs off. Kurt follows her, his hands twisted in Finn's Letterman's jacket. Blaine doesn't see either of them for the rest of the day.

When Blaine goes to the Hudmel house that night, Kurt doesn't greet him, doesn't even look up from his feet, slumped on the couch. They eat dinner silently and Kurt waits for Blaine before heading up to his old bedroom. In the silence of the night, they lay side by side on their backs, not touching, not talking, not even really being together other than physically. Blaine feels silent tears trail from his eyes, wanting nothing more than to hold Kurt and just breath together. They've both lost and they both need to grieve. Kurt won't let him. Kurt is pushing Blaine away and Blaine had no idea how to fix this all, if he ever can fix it.

When they wake up, they are on opposite sides of the bed, facing away from each other. Blaine has never felt more alone. Kurt quietly tells Blaine that he'll see him after school finishes. There's not warmth, it's mechanical.

After school, Blaine enters the choir room to find Kurt once again sitting in a way that Blaine can't join him. He's sitting next to Kitty, the chair that should be next to him moved to be in front – Finn's empty chair. Blaine can't even stand to look at Kurt – it hurts to much. He chooses to sit in front, between Marley and Artie.

Blaine can't focus on Puck singing, simply coasting through the song, struggling to keep this mind-numbing pain from consuming him. Blaine has never dealt well with being alone. This week – it's the most alone he's ever felt.

The entire glee club, past and present, gets up to comfort Puck, Blaine managing to clap a hand on Puck's shoulder in an imitation of comfort. He almost runs into Kurt, but Kurt quickly moves out of the way, not even bothering to look at Blaine.

Blaine knows that the current glee club is going to place some drumsticks wrapped in black ribbon at Finn's locker memorial but Blaine can't go. He's too cold, too numb, and if he goes, he knows he'll lose it. He can't break down because there's no one there to pick him back up. Kurt has abandoned him and his family doesn't understand. Everyone else in the club is grieving too, so Blaine would never want to become a burden to them.

Instead, Blaine hides out in the choir room. He's shocked when he sees Kurt enter with Rachel. He had no idea Rachel was going to come. Rachel walks over to Mr. Schue's office, leaving Kurt alone. Kurt finally looks at Blaine, eyes red rimmed, mouth downturned. He slowly walks over to Blaine and sits next to him, Blaine feeling his breath catch in his throat. Mercedes joins them next, sitting on Kurt's other side. Kurt immediately reaches out and holds her hand when he catches her crying.

After everyone has entered the choir room, Rachel returns and sing her memorial to Finn. Blaine can't help but let the tears poor down. He can't imagine the loss Rachel is feeling. He never wants to know what it feels like. He knows that Kurt is pushing him away, but he's still alive. He still is wearing the ring on his finger, and Blaine knows they'll get married. Kurt just needs time to grieve and move on.

Kurt must have noticed him crying. He reaches over and grips Blaine's hand tightly, meeting each other's gaze, Blaine's walls finally starting to crack, the tears falling more freely now.

They don't talk after Rachel finishes singing. They leave together, hand in hand, and return to Kurt's house. Dinner and the rest of the evening goes by without Blaine realizing it. When they head up to bed, Blaine is fully prepared to let go over all his pain, to let Kurt and himself hold and comfort each other, but it's just like before. Kurt pulls away from his touch and Blaine's heart breaks once more – even if he didn't think there were any whole parts left to break.

Kurt is staying for two more days – he wants to make sure that Carole and Burt are okay after packing up Finn's room. Even if Kurt is avoiding Blaine, he asks Blaine to stay until he goes back to New York and Blaine can never say no to Kurt.

That night, Blaine goes to the adjoined bathroom and takes a long shower, letting the hot water relax his tight muscles. He doesn't think he can spend another night in bed with Kurt the way they have been the last week. He and Kurt do an awkward shuffle when Blaine emerges from the bathroom.

When Blaine hears the water start up, he quickly gathers his pajamas and pillow and a blanket and goes down to set up his bed on the couch.

* * *

When Kurt emerges from the shower, he is shocked to see that Blaine's side of the bed is empty and that his pillow and blanket are gone too. His heart beat speeds up, panicking, racing through the house to find him. Tears fill his eyes when he spots Blaine curled into himself on the couch.

"Blaine, please come back to bed."

Blaine looks up at Kurt, studying him, a cold expression on his face – one he's never seen on Blaine and one that kills him. Blaine nods and follows Kurt back down to the basement.

Kurt gets himself situated in the bed, side by side with Blaine but somehow still unable to reach over and touch him. He knows he's been hurting Blaine by pushing him away, by keeping his walls up and not comforting him, when Blaine's clearly been hurting. They're partners and they should be there for each other, but Kurt just can't.

"There's this canyon between us," Blaine whispers quietly, his voice broken. "I can't cross it. Any time I try, you run from me. I can't keep doing this, Kurt."

Blaine doesn't saying anything more for a long while.

"Dad's devastated," Kurt admits. "Carole's lost, and Rachel, _god_ Rachel… I have to be strong for them. If I give in, if I let you hold me, I'll lose this stable ground under me and I won't ever recover."

"He was your brother, Kurt. You shouldn't have to be the strong one. Your loss is no less than theirs and you are allowed to grieve. You have to, if you ever want to start getting better."

Kurt gives in, finally, a rush of both relief and heartbreak going through him as he throws himself into Blaine's arms, feeling the strength and love pouring out of Blaine. They cried most of the night and held each other tighter than they ever had before.

When Kurt woke up the next day, Blaine was spooned up behind him, his arm over Kurt's chest and their hands entangled together

The loss of Finn was like a big gaping hole. Every time Kurt could feel the emptiness of that hole, Blaine was there with a squeeze of his hand or an arm around his waist and Kurt didn't feel as empty.

Blaine was like a band-aid – something that couldn't fill the hole, something not _meant_ to fill the hole, but something to protect it and prevent anything from making it worse, making it feel better and slowly but surely heal, leading to a scar that would fade but would never truly go away. Not that Kurt wanted Finn to be gone. That scar would remind him of Finn, the loss, yes, but also all the good times they shared.


End file.
